I'd like to address an issue that will face each and every one of you soldiers out there sooner or later: Now that the Earth is a toxic waste pool, what are you going to eat to keep up your strength? After all, those MREs (Meals Ready to Eat) the army stuck you with are hardly fit for former human consumption, much less the Earth's last hope.
Well, fear not, fellow travellers! I've developed a few delicious (and nutritious!) meals that can be par-boiled in the nearest toxic waste river. Some are old family favorites with just a few modifications, while others are brand new recipes I'm sure you will enjoy. And don't forget to send in your own recipes -- after all, man (and woman) can't live on 100-year-old brownies alone...
 
Section I: Cooking Utensils
Every serious gourmet knows the key to success is to have the appropriate cooking utensils on hand before preparing the meal. I've surveyed the area pretty thoroughly, and it appears our "friends" haven't developed a taste for the culinary arts. Too bad -- wouldn't a Mancubus in a "Kiss the Cook" apron be to die for? (Memo to id Marketing...) No problemo, I say -- we'll just have to make our own utensils, and damn the torpedos!
First, we're going to need something to cook everything in (e.g., some pots). As these are not readily available, I suggest using the torpedo launchers that appear to double as the Mancubi's hands. You'll find that those portly rascals are like the American buffalo -- think long and hard enough, and you can find a use for every inch of 'em! Anyway, those launchers are good and deep, and since Mancubus is one of the recipes listed, it's one less kill to make.
Economical and delicious.
We'll also need something with which to stir our dinner. I suggest blowing away a pair of Revenants. Their bones will make fine dinnerware, and if you don't crack the skulls, you can have a lovely set of matching bowls to boot! Be sure to salvage their clothes for the tablecloth and napkins.
We aren't barbarians, you know.
 
Section II: Preparation
The first step, obviously, is: Go kill something. For tonight's menu, be sure to bag a Mancubus, Cacodemon, and an Imp. Feel free to kill anything else that gets in your way and stick it on ice. What is it that they say, "Chill or be chilled?" Go ahead, I'll wait.
All done? Great. The first thing we need to do is clean the Mancubus, which takes the longest to cook. As I said before, we can use everything, so be careful how you cut! First, carefully separate the meat from the skin, and set the skin aside somewhere safe to dry. (You can stuff it with Imp hair later to make a lovely blanket or down coat.) Next, check the Mancubus for any bits of bone that might have shattered during the execution. From here, you will want to consult the recipe below for further directions.
The Imp also can be skinned and the hair set aside for use later in the aforementioned coat or blanket. Again, you will want to consult the recipe from here on in. The Cacodemon is the simplest of all: Just scoop him up in a few bowls and keep chilled for dessert! Just think of it as gelatin, but without the fancy cubes.
 
Section III: Recipes
I'll assume now that you have assembled your utensils and meats and you're ready to just dive straight into the recipes. Tonight's menu consists of Mancubiotic Stew, Imp-kabobs, and gelatin for dessert. Estimated time in the kitchen: 45 minutes.
 
Mancubiotic Stew:
This blend of Mancubus meat, herbs and just a dash of lark's vomit (if you can find any) is sure to please anyone desperate enough to consciously eat it. Take five pounds of prime Mancubus meat (any part will do) and cube it into bite-size chunks. Layer with grass (assuming you are near a grassy knoll) and lower the cooking pot of your choice into the nearest lava stream for 45 minutes, stirring occasionally. Serves five.
 
Imp-kabobs:
This variation on the traditional grill favorite is sure to win kudos from your fellow soldiers. After all, it tastes just like chicken! Simply take the choicest cuts of meat and cube. Be sure to check for buck shot, lest a dinner guest find an unwelcome bite of metal in his or her dinner. I suggest adding a little dead wood for a touch of fiber. Skewer the meat and wood on the sharpest bone you can find or use the wood itself for that down-home taste your family used to love. Cook over three to five Lost Souls trapped in a cage. Serves between 1 and 10 (depending on the Imps).
 
Cac-o-Jelly:
Scoop out some of the blue stuff found inside the Cacodemon. Let it solidify. Eat it. It's probably not much different than what they gave you in school, and just as tasty.
 
Send your culinary criticisms, or your own recipes for destruction to reeltime@voicenet.com.
